A Step Back
by Bowles
Summary: Sometimes, you just have to take a step back.


Something that I got sudden inspiration to write for no apparent reason. Has one-sided Remus/Lily but is for the most part is just an excuse to write a scene with both James and Remus in it.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any recognizable characters or situations from Harry Potter, which belongs to JK Rowling and assocaited publishers. Lyrics at the beginning and end are from the song "Wonderwall" by Oasis, and belong to Oasis.

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A Step Back  
**

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The first year that Remus boarded the Hogwarts Express, it had been raining. The rain, along with the mere sight of the train, had been intimidating, as if it was a warning: _this isn't your school, half-breed_.

And so it is fitting that in Remus's final train ride to Hogwarts, sheets of rain are hitting the tracks in an almost rhythmic pattern.

_Tap. Tap, tap. Tap._

Sirius has been called to the front for "setting a bad example" by the Head Girl herself, Lily Evans, and Peter is off with him, for Peter had been the mastermind. He didn't seem like much, but he could pull off quite a prank when it suited his fancy. Sirius, of course, had been the enforcer, so to speak. Peter isn't so good at the actual act of committing the offense.

And so Remus is left in a compartment that seems much smaller than it had six years ago with Lily's counterpart. Remus is reading. James is wearing a stupid grin on his face as if it were a fashion accessory.

"Moony?"

Remus looks up from his book. "Yes?"

"What're you reading?"

"Dickens. _The Tale of Two Cities_."

"No textbooks yet?" James grins.

"Actually, I was planning to switch about halfway through the ride," says Remus, looking at his watch. "Hm. That appears to be now, actually. Thanks for reminding me, I guess."

He reaches to grab one of a pile of books lying at his feet, but suddenly he's staring at a thin and lanky hand. James's hand.

"Actually," James stops him, "I was wondering if we could, you know, _talk_."

Remus ignores how James has imitated his previous statement. Instead, he focuses on the word with so much emphasis put on it: talk. Talking is one thing. Talking is quite simple. _Talking_ is something very different. _Talking_ can be very scary.

"About what?" he probes cautiously, looking up carefully at James. He has a nagging suspicion about what this will all lead to.

James, to his credit, keeps a relatively straight face, in light of the circumstances. "Oh, you know. Stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Girls," James blurts out, completely ruining his nonchalant appearance in the process. Yet, as a sign of his perseverance, he attempts to keep his demeanor.

"Lily," Remus corrects wearily.

"If you want to be technical, I suppose that would be the appropriate subject." James looks out the window with feigned interest. "But, you know, I was just thinking that while we're on the topic of girls, we could talk about certain girls – I mean, that's not too bad or anything – because after all, it's only natural to talk about _certain_ girls while we're talking about the entire species –"

"Girls are a species?" says the sandy-haired teenager dryly, to his surprise. He never really did like the subject of Lily. It wasn't something he was comfortable, for it got too personal for his tastes. The subject was, to speak metaphorically, a double-edged sword.

"Yes, of course." James grins that slanted grin and Remus knows that he can't avoid this, because James is a friend. James is better than a friend. Sirius and Peter are better than friends. Unless the definition of the word had been changed recently, in which case Remus would be checking the most recent dictionary the school library had to offer as soon as they reached the castle to make sure.

Remus sighs. "And what kind of counsel can I offer you, Mr. Potter?"

"I'm not looking for much counsel." Remus gives him his look, his _I-know-what-you're-thinking-James-Potter_ look, and James cracks. "Okay, a little. But really, I want to talk."

James leans in closer to Remus, as if to tell him a great secret so private that the door of the compartment cannot possibly be allowed to hear it.

"I think this is the year, Moony."

Remus blinks, as if to imply: _this is your secret?_ "Well, James, every day is also 'the day', so I wouldn't be too hasty –"

"No, you don't _understand_," whispers James. "I'm not as much of a prick as I was before. I've got a chance this year! Did you hear her, when we were leaving last year? Her exact words were –"

_"Maybe you're not so hopeless after all,"_ Remus recalls blandly. He does not like where this conversation is going. The double-edged sword is inching towards him slowly but surely. "Don't try to get too excited about that, James. You might get hurt."

Remus hopes that he sounds like a good friend, because he does not feel like a good friend at all: he should be saying, "Yeah, Prongs, you'll get her!" or something of the sort. He should not secretly want his best friend _not_ to get the Girl. Remus should not like the Girl. He cannot help but feel that he is a horrible friend.

"I'm not going to be stupid, Moony," James says irritably as he picks at the bench cushion. "I'm going to just be myself… well, maybe a smarter version of myself, and a bit more mature. I think she'll like me if I act like me."

Remus looks at his friend's feet determinedly. "Maybe."

His head is saying, "Yes," and his heart is saying, "No," and his mouth is saying, "Maybe." Remus thinks that he most definitely needs a shrink. But with such a matter as this, Remus is probably just being normal. Girls are tricky. Feelings for girls are trickier.

But this is James. James, most-talented-in-their-year-James, the boy who'd had the bright idea to become illegal Animagi to help out Remus. Remus should want James to be happy. Remus _does_ want James to be happy. He just wishes that James could be happy with someone else.

James is James, though, and he won't change. He would, though, if he knew Remus's feelings. Their friendship might diminish, but James would do it for Remus. Though this time, Remus knows that he should do something for James.

So Remus does what he always does.

He steps aside.

"Actually, James, never mind that," he finds himself saying. "I think this is the year, too. Lily'll like you."

James grins. "Yeah… you're right, Moony. You're always right."

"Sometimes."

"All the time," says the Head Boy emphatically. He smiles. "So, Moony, what about you? Who's your Girl? Or your Boy, because really that's all right if that's what you prefer –"

Remus laughs a throaty laugh, much like Sirius always does, a laugh that he did not think he was capable of at the moment. Remus is usually good for half-hearted smiles during Lily discussions, but never much more.

"Oh, no, it's definitely a Girl for me."

James shrugs, and Remus knows that James would support him either way. "See, we always thought you might not like girls that much. The only girl you're really friends with is Lily. The rest you avoid like the plague."

"You thought I was gay?" Remus asks, amused and not at all angry. He's not even perturbed by the Lily comment; James has that effect on people.

"We thought it was possible," James says, trying to cover up.

"Don't worry about it." Remus chuckled to himself once more. James's words are true. Remus only is a friend of Lily's, for other girls just aren't like Lily. "I can see how you came to that conclusion."

"Oh." James grins that grin again. "But really, you and Sirius would make a wonderful couple, Moony."

Remus is laughing once more, and he doesn't even know why. "I suppose we would. I always have suspected that Sirius likes blokes. None of his girlfriends have lasted more than a week!"

One thing leads to another, and Remus and James are suddenly trying to explain themselves through fits of laughter to Sirius and Peter, who look very confused. Lily comes by once, and the compartment lightens up instantly to two of its inhabitants, although Lily could not know that. She has merely stopped by to greet Remus and is quickly on her way, yet she spares James a backward glance. It hurts a bit to know that he has stepped aside once more, but Remus can handle it.

Maybe he can even handle it with a smile.

After all, he could always pass as gay.

_****_


End file.
